we sell soul

I heard about this essay when I was reading the biography of Richard Yates and had to track it down. I love Fitzgerald and "The Crack-Up" is an interesting window in to his personal life; Tender is the Night was published a few years prior and this certainly sheds some light on the subjects of the book. But it also has a lot of universal value and poetic qualities that anyone can appreciate. So, here it is:

"Of course all life is a process of breaking down, but the blows that do the dramatic side of the work -- the big sudden blows that come, or seem to come, from outside -- the ones you remember and blame things on and, in moments of weakness, tell your friends about, don’t show their effect all at once. There is another sort of blow that comes from within -- that you don’t feel until it’s too late to do anything about it, until you realize with finality that in some regard you will never be as good a man again. The first sort of breakage seems to happen quick -- the second kind happens almost without your knowing it but is realized suddenly indeed.
( ... )

this song is amazing too

Gillian Welch - I Dream a Highway
http://www.zshare.net/audio/57884710ca3fb75a/

i could watch this all day

Two live videos: One is the drive-by truckers performing "decoration day" and jason isbell performing a drive-by truckers song titled "goddamn lonely love"

Two videos for songs from their album, Liberty Belle and the Black Diamond Express

My ipod started playing "Three Girl Rhumba" as i stepped out of the usf bus and i felt like the baddest motherfucker. instant swagger starter.

most of this is a washout, but at least food always tastes good

She sensed the waste inside of him and he sensed it as well. It was a repellant. He was eating himself and he would eat her too, if she let him.

They sat in iron chairs on the cold still deck and traded stories of human sorrow, memoirs of the Jonestown massacre, Chechen terrorists and dead children, infinite varieties of everyday sadness.

It was easy enough to convey intellectualism, but convincing each other their young hearts were not empty took a different skill. Yes, there is pain. Yes, I feel it acutely. Neither really knew the boundaries of their own hearts nor the substance of their own tears; in that moment they clung to the gin in their cups, the cigarettes between their fingers, and dimly hoped that one could shine a light in to another.

Vision the canvas I paint a picture
Similar to Ernies Barnes nigga
But mines is more ghetto more guns
More drugs, mostly thugs
All my duns, their baby moms daughter and sons
Dark blocks, with streets lamps shot the fuck out
Park benches broke, a nigga stretched out
Jumped off the roof to his death its real
Hand Ball walls displayed with R-I-P murials
Those who sling, play the shadows by the building
Devils spring, keep em going while the snows blowing
Grams get dipped, 50's are moked, cookies are broke
And Spliced in large pieces for the fiends to smoke
The sun set looks beautiful over the projects
What a shame, its ain't the same where we stand at
If you look close you can see the bricks chipped off
Sometimes niggas miss when they lick off don't get clipped off
Street life
-Mobb Deep

Hey I got a new phone so everbody give me their numbers.

NELL:
One mustn't laugh at those things, Nagg. Why must you always laugh at them?
NAGG:
Not so loud!
NELL (without lowering her voice):
Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. But—
NAGG (shocked):
Oh!
NELL:
Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. And we laugh, we laugh, with a will, in the beginning. But it's always the same thing. Yes, it's like the funny story we have heard too often, we still find it funny, but we don't laugh any more.

4 A's
1 B

ballinnn spring 08

i think it'll break down like this

British Novel Thru Hardy: A
Hispanic Short Story: A-
Am Lit 1912-1945: A+
Am Lit 1860-1912: A
English Comp II: B

Nicole Paultre Bell and her two children, Jordyn and Jada Bell

"Jada is now 5, and Jordyn is about to turn 2. Paultre says she takes them to Port Washington, Long Island, every week to visit their father’s grave."

http://nymag.com/news/features/44458/

The policemen were acquitted of all charges today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/26/nyregion/26BELL.html?hp

Black Flag - Three Nights





Black Flag - Swinging Man



Black Flag - Scream





Hahaha

austin the didact

a livejournal found on a garbage heap

choice: is a myth

Why are the determinants for social value so vacuous? I feel like the system of human relationships is a marketplace where, instead of the exchange of goods and services, desirous interests, social position, and the absorption of art confer value.
On the one hand, I find it very frustrating having to navigate through this empty space, and, on the other, I feel like I'm compelled to participate in order to make friends or meet women. Are there any options besides this ugly, transparent double-consciousness? Personal values only seem to isolate an individual. In a culture where everything, from art to labor, has lost its meaning/value, is there hope for interpersonal relationships?

My 21st birthday turned out pretty well. Noelle and I went to Skipper's for Sharon Jones and it was a lot of fun. I didn't break many moves but bobbed enough to justify the funk. I've got a handful of resolutions that are sort of tenuously connected to the fact that it's a New Year and I'm entering a new year of my own, but I kinda arrived at the precipice of change myself regardless of which year it is and which day on the calendar. I imagine that I'll have another year of setbacks, confusion, and inconsistency, but I also feel this impetus for change is resolute and genuine. I feel like every year I equip myself with a better understanding of my role in society and in my self. Additionally, I'm able to grasp with clarity, more than any previous year, the direction I should be taking with my life. Therefore, with the understanding I have now it would be criminal to let myself spend another year shortchanging intellectual curiosity, real-world ambition, and the consideration of others.
I'm beginning to be able to frame my life, especially the past and certainly the continuous present, in the larger timeline of history and it is with regret and a degree of disgust that I reflect on my decisions and the effects they've had on my life. I dunno, rather than simple regret, this perspective enables me to make decisions with the larger picture in mind, instead of simply acting on desire.
So, as I enter my 21st year, I'm not inclined to make any lists or proclamations. I've got it figured out for now and I hope that I have the good sense and strength of will to stay on my own path and not backslide to the more easily tread path of laziness, apathy, and inaction.

pimp c died :(

this is terrible

I wonder if gaunt white men have a genetic predisposition to goth? these kids with NIN shirts on campus all have that same angular face and pallid skin. i'll admit that this is a pretty shallow observation, so maybe next thursday i'll bring a pad and pen to the castle and do anthropological field work. except i won't cuz that was a joke.

does anyone know anything about Unitarian Universalism? I'm not religious but it seems like a wonderful christian sect. they fully accept LGBT, atheism/agnosticism, and all major religions. the UU church of tampa has a bimonthly meeting for SHAAG (secular, humanist, agnostic, atheist group) where they discuss spiritual issues through the lens of various ideologies and address some of the major contemporary thinkers in evolutionary science, creationism, ethics, atheist philosophy, etc. I dont mind attending a church really, i just hope the people are well-informed and intelligent and not just your usual obnoxious secularist. or, even worse, if it resembles a college philosophy club meeting. http://www.uu.blymiller.com/Secularists.htm is the page for SHAAG. i'll go on maybe the 26th of december and then i can say with better authority whether it's legit or not.

yeah let's eat at my house tonight. i'll make some dishes and anyone that comes can bring leftovers or fresh meals or whatever. i want to have a good time w/ my friends and think about family